I need a new journal.

My old one is nowhere near filled to the brim like the ones before, but I feel like this new chapter in my life requires a completely new book to symbolize everything that has changed you know?

There’s been a lot of change. Some really great and some I really wish hadn’t come about. Over the past 2 months I moved out of my home, moved into a new apartment, got married and am now in the process of adjusting to life as a wife alongside my new hubs. Crazy, right? We’ll sort through the details of all of that another time, but yes. Major changes and the good kind. Some other major changes, from the other side of the scale; my grandmother who lives in Barbados fell sick and passed away and right after my family dog of 16 years also fell sick and passed.

Through all of these events, I’ve been learning some really important lessons. Lessons of how to be excited and happy about life while simultaneously mourning the loss of a normal that was once so comfortable. I’ve been learning the beauty of sadness which is the simple fact that without immense sadness we wouldn’t understand the value of joy and vice versa, without the presence of joy we wouldn’t really understand the depth of loss and saddness. The fact is we need to know one to appreciate the other…and to shut oneself off to the saddness means you inadvertanly tone down the vibrancy of your joy. That took me a few days to digest…

So. In the midst of mourning and supporting my family through their grief and also accepting their support of me in mine, I’ve been training myself. Training myself to feel the emotions as they come, the tears, the confusion, the guilt…everything that comes with grieving. I feel it all and resist the urge to censor them for the sake of the comfort of others around me. Once I’ve felt them to their extent I understand them…I understand that I mourn because of the joy that was present. I understand that to have had that joy was the greatest gift. I also use this moment to learn. I note how I feel in these moments and make intentions to connect with and experience joy with those who are here with me now. Because, not to be super cliché, but there really is no time like the present.

Tomorrow is Saturday. I will go out and look for a new journal. Typically I would browse online stores for hours until I found the perfect one, but as you can probably tell, I’ve got a lot of writing to do and I’d like to get started as soon as possible.

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I’ve been away for a little while. Sometimes it gets a little hard to write when life throws it’s messy little curveballs at you. Something that’s helped keep me sane has been how lovely this online community is even when a creator goes ghost for a little while. Thanks to all of you who have checked in on me, written me cute little messages on my recent posts and who have kept in touch on instagram and twitter. Y’all are the best.

For those of you not yet connected with me outside of my writings here, I’d love to connect with you on instagram or twitter or even my facebook page! I love chatting with you all (it’s literally my favorite thing).

Thanks for hanging out, talk soon!

xo Nicole Eva