12 am thoughts – 2020 Wrap up

It’s about 20 minutes after midnight and I’m tired, very tired actually but not ready to sleep just yet.

Do you ever just feel that heavy pressure, not quite anxiety level but just a steady pressure to fix your entire life in one day? I’m right there right now.

Maybe it’s being spurred on by the upcoming end of the year and also end of the decade. Maybe it’s also being spurred on simultaneously by the fast approaching end of my 27th year.

Just a moment ago (meaning literally as I began writing this) I started to dive deep into that trap of weighing all of my perceived lack of accomplishments of the past 365 days. I started to think about all of the ways I’ve failed myself, all of the ways I thought I’d be further than I am right now. This is why I opened my computer. I was going to whine about it in a pages doc and then delete it and hopefully go to bed feeling depressed enough to sleep (because what else is the result of doing that to yourself???). But. As I began typing, I realized that to do that to myself would be a complete disservice (thankfully writing things helps bring clarity to my brain).

The only reason I personally think I allowed myself to think that this year was a total bust was because I was looking at my year in comparison to others around me. I was looking at the friends who got married, engaged, started exciting new jobs, traveled across the world, got promoted, bought homes, paid off their debt, started families. I was looking at them and their accomplishments of this year and looking at myself saying “what did you do?” And to be honest, I didn’t have any large scale accomplishments this year. No. Nothing crazy big and wonderful happened. I’m actually pretty much in the same space right now physically as I was last year this time. And you know what…there’s nothing wrong with that.

Yes, growth is a thing we should all aspire towards. No we shouldn’t be satisfied being stagnant. But…we also should have grace with ourselves and acknowledge that we all grow at different paces and also that we’re not all going to end up in the exact same place. Also, I believe (speaking mainly to myself but I figure that I can’t be the only one) that we need to do a better job at celebrating our growth, even in seasons where we don’t appear to be growing much.

Previously I stated that I’m pretty much in the same physical space at the end of this year that I started at in the beginning of this year. As much as this may be true, I’m not in the same mental and emotional space as I was. That’s where most of my growth took place this year. In the quiet, private spaces I flourished. Not at first though. I was in turmoil as I struggled hard against some really painful circumstances. I soldiered through the disintegration of relationships, battled through some really low moments and fought to find my definition of worth amongst other things. Where I am now though after intentionally taking time this year to grow mentally and emotionally is something I am quite proud of. No, it’s not a status or an accomplishment I can add to my bio on facebook, but it matters to me and I’m proud of it.

This year as you prepare to wrap up 2020, be kind to yourself, reflect on your growth, set some new challenges and celebrate making it through another year. Be proud of you.