As some of you may already know from previous posts, my family and I are in celebration mode. We’re moving! The new home is bigger than what we’ve got now, spacious enough for each person to have their own breathing room, and has a few items from our dream home wish list that makes this move a little bit sweeter like wooden floors and multiple bathrooms (can we get an AAY-MENN).
This past Thursday, I was assigned the task of staying at the house overnight because we had a day of deliveries scheduled starting from 8 in the morning. Makes sense right? Just stay at the new home and get a few extra minutes of sleep as opposed to being at the apartment and having to wake up earlier to be at the house in time. I was pretty excited. I already had a mattress, bedding, clothes, and a few other things so in my mind I was set. I got out of work around 4:00 and headed to the apartment to relax for a bit before the adventure started.
Fast forward about 4 hours and I was still in my bed, at the apartment, finding every possible reason to stay a bit longer and not head over there. What was my issue? I said it was the fact that there was no wi-fi yet, so I had to make sure I caught up with everything here first while I could. I said it was because I was hungry and we don’t have anything over there just yet so I wanted to make sure I was full before I went over there without any food. I said a lot of things, but the reality of it was that no matter how excited I was initially to go over there and enjoy the newness of the space, it was just that.
New.
It didn’t feel like mine yet. I wasn’t comfortable there, I was comfortable here. In my bed. In the small apartment not fit for a family of our size but hey, I was comfortable here in comparison to there.
I did eventually head over, around 10:00. I brought my dog for safety reasons of course (and everyone who has ever met/seen my dog laughs in unison), my laptop (for gaming…distraction), and two big bags of skinny pop (no explanation needed). It was a long night of Spotify playlists, popcorn munching and tossing and turning between the popping and creaking of a home with wooden floors. I probably slept a total of 4 hours. Maybe.
My lack of comfort with our new home had nothing to do with the home itself. But everything to do with the fact that I was comparing how I felt in that old space to how I assumed I wouldn’t and currently didn’t feel in the new space. When that thought became concrete I felt a major pang in my spirit. That is me. That is me in everything. I couldn’t enjoy this new space on that evening because I couldn’t stop comparing the fact that I was soooo comfortable in this old space. Of course I was. I have been here in this exact spot for years. Almost 6 years to be exact. Now, the next revelation I got I don’t even think y’all are ready for…
“You’re comfortable in this space, even tho it’s not good for you. You are so comfortable in your discomfort, that you don’t even know how to act when blessed with something beautiful.”
…Guys. When I tell you I was ready to throw some hands in the general direction of the Holy Spirit (not at the Holy Spirit…because ya know….disrespectful and stuff lol). It’s true tho, and this revelation forced me to reflect on all of the instances in my life where this is in fact the truth. The biggest blaring one is in relationships. Dang, here we go.
By relationships in this instance I mean dating relationships, but hey, as it happens, I’m very similar when it comes to friendships too…I’m more comfortable alone, even tho it is unhealthy, therefore I do not openly jump into friendships. I jump into mentorship. I will mentor the crap out of your life, pray for you up and down, celebrate with you and morn with you, but for me to cross that gap and make you an actual friend in my world….nope. I’m keeping you at an arms distance. Because in my mind, putting you in there, in that inner circle, nope too scary, too uncomfortable (working on it)….but anyways…back to dating.
I’m currently single, and to be honest I’m enjoying it. But I am getting to that point where I know I should be opening myself up to relationships. I can feel it. Not the overwhelming desire to be a part of a couple, but that small, gentle push that says, “Theres a new season awaiting you…but you need to be open, you need to let go of somethings.” What are those things? It would be easier for me to tell you that I don’t know, but I do.
I’m comfortable in dysfunctional relationships.
It’s what I know. My relationship with my mother is lovely. We love each other and there’s security there, but it hasn’t always been that way and sometimes it still gets really messy. From the messy moments I became a serious perfectionist. I know perfectionism has been viewed as a cute little quirk that girls with really neat rooms or nice handwriting have, but honestly it’s a monster. It’s a bar above your head that reminds you that you are not good enough, but you have to reach that bar, you can’t breathe without it….it’s life or death. This bar, contrary to popular belief didn’t make me an A student. It made it impossible for me to hand in papers that were simply decent. It made it impossible for me to complete tests and exams I wasn’t 100% confident in. It made me too willing to give up a championship spot during my last year swimming. It made me really good at organizing every last detail of an event but unable to accept a “good job” from a friend. My relationships with the men in my life were also…interesting. We have grown and matured since and I have nothing but love and admiration for them. But there was a time in my life where the feelings associated with men were feelings of anxiety and fear. Yes was always a good thing. No matter what. No’s…well no’s always meant there was a risk of a fractured relationship, one that would be completely my fault. An opposing view-point was never really okay, and would usually result in some form of distance. I became a yes person. I became really good at distancing myself from my wants and needs in order to maintain peace, whatever that looked like. I learned to always respond calmly and logically and to deal with personal emotions last and on my own. My feelings were simply that, my feelings and my responsibility alone to deal with, if I could find them. In the past I’ve taken those things, packed them up in little baggies and brought them with me into my relationships. You can just use your imagination for a moment and see how lovely those turned out… got it? Okay good. Now, will I bring those into future relationships? Nope, because even tho I still struggle now and then, I have over the years discovered the amazing power of the Holy Spirit and have become so extremely aware of my tendencies and issues and bring them to Jesus almost every day.
“So Nicole, what are you afraid of then?”
I’m afraid of the new house.
I’m afraid of the new space. I’ve been sleeping in this space for so long. Yea, it’s really small and I can’t really store my clothes. And yea I can hear my downstairs neighbors fighting and hear my next door neighbor when he snores or uses the bathroom. Yea, I hate having to search for parking in the rain at 11:00 at night or sharing a laundry machine with 12 other residents….but I’m familiar with this. I know it. I know how to handle it.
I’m comfortable.
And honestly, afraid isn’t even the right word. It’s not scary. I just don’t know it. It excites me, just like the idea of entering this new stage of life is exciting to me…I’m just comparing the unknown to the known. I’m choosing to stay in the desert, because I’m unsure of the unknown of the promise land…and if I remember correctly…that didn’t turn out to well for the Israelites.
God provided land for them after they had escaped slavery and been wandering through the wilderness. They had seen the land, and had seen that the land was fruitful and could sustain them. It was much better than where they were in that moment. So, why didn’t they leap at the opportunity? Because they saw something that scared them, something that they were unfamiliar with, something unknown, so they rejected what God had so faithfully provided for them. What God had said was theirs.
Question: When did the desert become comfortable to them? Not when it was all they could see. When it was all they could see as they marched full of hope towards the promised land, excited and ready to be out of the desert. The desert only became an item of comfort when they were presented with the fulfillment of Gods promise…it stopped them from taking that final step, it’s almost like they were all of a sudden held captive by their new-found comfort. What in your life has suddenly become comfortable that wasn’t before? Take a look…I bet you can find it. Are you trapped by it? What are you going to do about it?
In my reflection I only addressed dating, but that is not the only area where I and where we do this. We do this with new job opportunities, new friends, new responsibilities, new ministries, serving opportunities in the church and so many other things. We want something new, something exciting and something different, but when we are presented with it, we look at the unknown and say, “Nah, I’m good right here. At least I know what I’m facing.” We reject the thing that God has been planning for us. Maybe your rejection isn’t a flat-out no, maybe you’re the person who says “Yes God! Of course I’ll do that, definitely, but like….hold on a second/minute/week/few months. You wait till I’m ready.” Sound familiar? Yea, me too. Ouch. Maybe your rejection is a little more…”humble”. Maybe you say “Yes, of course, but I’m not good enough yet, just wait until I get this thing out of my life first, then I promise, I’m all yours.” Every single one of these could be any one of us. Maybe you’re all of them. What do we do?
We repent. We tell God, “I am so sorry for thinking I know better than you. Whatever you want me to do, I’m here. Help me to look to you instead of looking at my reflection and abilities, shape me to be who you want me to be as I learn to walk with you.” After you repent, you walk. Get up and start moving. Don’t be held captive. Move with Him every, single, day. I’m going to be doing it too, lets move together. It’s not going to be the easiest first few steps, it may even get quite uncomfortable. But hey, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be struggling with God than struggling without or against Him.
There’s a season of change coming, I can feel it. Don’t be the reason you miss your change-up, get out of your way. Let God move you and step into something beautiful.
Questions? Concerns? Wanna chat? The comment box is open, leave me a message below. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
And as always, Stay Lovely.
Nicole
Nicole Eva 